I want to make it clear that getting to where I am now was not easy.
I went to rehab one time before, in 2012. I kept using after. I didnt think i had a problem, because it was "medication " that I was taking. I wasnt smoking crack, or shooting heroin, Im not harming anyone, right? I didnt steal, I wasnt abusive, so whats the problem? I didnt understsnd what the big deal was. I took the first time in rehab as a joke almost. I went home to my daughter, to the same environment , spent time with the same people, and I had the same mindset. Nothing changed, because I didnt make any changes. I only got more addicted, more miserable, more reckless, and since I was still on drugs, made more bad decisions, because my brain was not working like it should. Mary was taken when she was 4. She lived with great, responsible, loving friends of mine. She was not in DCF custody yet, they were just supervising my situation at the time. She lived there 17 months, while I attended outpatient rehab. I visited her weekly, and saw the beautiful life she was living, without me. I beat myself up, was envious of my friends who had it so together, had her in school, activities, going on vacation; things I have never done with her. I thought to myself : " why cant I do this ? Whats wrong with me? Why cant I be a mother like her?" I told myself I'll never get better , I'll NEVER be able to have a life like them, because I'm a piece of crap. I got her back though. She moved back home, with me and my mom, to the same situation, same peoole, same environment. She was taken again, 2 months later, in DCF custody this time. And what did I do? Take more drugs to ease the pain. More and more, so I didnt feel what just happened to our lives: Mary's life. This part is the most painful to write and think about. I tear up as I write it. I would sit in her bedroom, and ask God why I cant stop. I loved Mary so much , why cant I do this for her ? Whats wrong with me? Why am I putting drugs before my precious baby ? What I didn't know then, was that I had to change for myself, not for Mary, or anyone else. I had to put myself before my own child, so I could be healthy enough to care for her. I couldnt get that concept at the time. I continued outpatient rehab, until I failed out of that , and my counselor told me that rehab was the only option I had left. I fought it, saying that if I go to rehab , I'll never get Mary back, because DCF will now know how bad off I am, they'll never let her come home. My counselor said "no karen, you're wrong. Going to rehab will show them that you want to get better, and you'll do what it takes to get her home, even if its going away." She was right. Everyone was right all along, but I was so engulfed in this cycle, I couldnt see clear. Going to rehab in July 2017 was the absolute best decision I ever made, it was one of the best experiences I've ever had. The moment I was detoxed after 2 days, I never thought about a drug ever again. When I was done being sick and feeling crappy after a few days, the light bulb finally turned on in my brain. I couldn't believe what I did to my daughter, I couldnt believe I was sitting in a rehab, while Mary was living with strangers. It made me physically ill. I vowed I would never feel this way again and Mary was coming home, I don't care what I had to do. I did not want Mary to ever hear that her mother was dead from drugs, or her mother was too sick to be her mommy. Absolutley not. I brought her into this world, she has no one but me as a parent. This is not fair to her, she didnt ask for this. I came home and did every single thing DCF asked of me and more. I fixed up my new house, I decorated her room and playroom, I acted as if she was moving home any day. Supervised visits, non supervised, sleep overs, months and months of meetings , court hearings , lawyers , getting my license back, buying a car, drug tests, hair follicle tests, counseling, probation, and outpatient rehab, until Mary moved back home March 2018, and I went to court and finally heard the judge say : "I reccomend the minor child should be back in the care of her biological mother. I've never seen a turn around like this Ms Dolzani, and I commend you." She came home 6 months earlier than scheduled. I was so grateful DCF gave me a second chance, which is unheard of. I still keep in touch with my worker even though my case has been closed. I send them photos and let them know they made the best decision and I will never let them , myself, or Mary down, ever again. I am so grateful for DCF, Child and Family Guidance, the court, her foster family, my friends who took her in, my lawyers- they all did so much for me, helped me with this process, and believed in me before I even believed in myself. Through this process I became pregant with my Maxx, was in an abusive relationship with his father, who is an addict. He was not there during my pregancy, his birth, or after his birth. I will leave it at that. He visited him for a month or two at my home when Maxx was 4 & 5 months old, and relapsed, again. And let me just say, I thought because I changed he could too. Not true, he can change if he chooses to, and I can't make him, and I'm not allowing my children to be exposed to abuse and drug use. Just because I was given a second chance , does not mean I have to put up with bullshit by anyone, and repeatedly give a person chances when there is no effort to change from them. I'ts not my obligation to raise a grown man, and teach him how to behave in modern society. I have 2 children to raise and a house to maintain. People say to me: "it must be so hard to raise two children by yourself" My response is always: Nothing was harder then what I went through in my life. This is a cake walk for me, compared to that. I found something in my life that is better than any drug on earth. I found myself. People trust me again. I have kids playing at my house. My daughter is excelling in school. I have many friends who love and trust me. Mary trusts me too. I get respect in my community. I have the best baby son who was a gift from my parents. I have them too, guiding me. I have my cute house thats filled with craziness and jokes and laughter. I have staycations with my kids so they can experience everything. I have plans for the future. I'm not afraid of life anymore, and I do live every day like it's my last. I know how fast things can change. I started experiencing that when I was 8 when my family got ripped apart by my fathers death and nothing was the same ever again. I will never take life for granted again, and I am humbled by my experiences. Thank you for taking time to read this post. You will hear from me again next week 😊