How is everyone doing ?

Hope all is well and everyone is healthy. I have some insight I would like to share with you.

So, I grew up without a father starting at age 8. My mother never remarried . I don’t have many memories of my dad. Maybe it’s too painful to remember. All I knew was mommy. Not having a father figure was very natural to me. Then I became a mother at 31, I did not stay with her father.

Then at 39 I became a mother again, and I did not stay with his father either . Life came full circle for me. For reasons I’m figuring out now , I felt more comfortable being a single mother and chose to be one. When I think about bringing another person into my life it makes me extremely uncomfortable. I picked men that I knew subconsciously wouldn’t stay, it seems on purpose, so it wouldn’t be such a “loss” if they left . I watched my mom miss my father terribly , for 29 years and that traumatized me , and I have done everything in my power to prevent that from happening in my life. I didn’t want to “miss” anyone like my mom missed my father.

I have experienced a lot of loss in my life , since childhood. I’m very used to it actually. I’m numb to it now. I keep my circle very small because in my mind , the smaller the circle, the less disappointment if someone leaves ( by death or otherwise ).

I am very protective of the life I have created so I don’t let many people in to my circle. I do not date , because I expect disappointment from whomever I chose , and I don’t want my kids going through that . And before you ask , no , I'm not lonely or "missing out", believe me. I have been through hell and back , and this is now the life I was always meant to live , and I'm extremely proud of it . I used to trust too much , now I don’t trust at all. The less people involved in our lives , the less chance of being disappointed, right ?

It’s amazing how the brain works to try to protect you. Maxx’s father passed away. Maxx and I have this in common now, unfortunately. Now I'm left to explain it to him when he's older. So I reflect on my life , wondering why I am so content, with doing this myself and just being with my two kids all the time . I think the answer is that the people I chose to be around could have fucked my life up beyond repair.

Only I am in control of me, no one else. I can’t control other people’s actions or behavior .

But, I am in control of myself, and my kids, and I like being in control of my life now, and I will never again let an outsider in to ruin what I have built . My life is a fortress now. Both my kids have my last name now for a reason. Because I have raised them both myself , from birth , therefore they are all mine . Dolzani was my fathers name and my kids deserve to have it.

I turn 41 on Monday, and I could not love my life any more than I do now. ☺️ Here’s to my 40’s , 3 years sober, and 2 beautiful healthy kids. The grass is greener where you water it folks !

Thank you for reading my random thoughts