I go to therapy once a week. It has been extremely helpful in my recovery.

For half of my life I was seeing psychiatrists and doctors, talking to them for 5 minuets and they were prescribing me some medication. No one talked me through anything, or valiated my feelings by telling me they were normal and they were able to be worked through. I was on all these psychiatric medications that did not work, and that were basically band aids to cover what was really going on. I got off of all of them over 2 years ago now, including the sleeping pill trazodone that I was on for almost 15 years. I have no one to be accountable for me, except myself. I dont have a partner here at home with me to keep me in check. I do it, everyday. I have to think for my children and myself.

Speaking to a counselor, saying things outloud and putting them on the table keeps someone in check I believe. Writting it down, in a journal (or a blog) makes it real. Therapy has made me come to terms with my fathers death, which I have never really processed. That tragic event set the course for my whole life, and what paths I took. Addicts usually have a trauma from their past , wether it was some sort of abuse, or tragedy that happened. My life has come full circle. A drunk driver killed my father, then I became that drugged driver later in life. Thank God I never hurt or killed anyone, or myself or Mary. I was raised without a father, now my kids will be raised without either of their fathers. I saw my mother miss my father on a daily basis. I saw her cry over him, telling us what a great husband and father he was. It was a tremendous loss for our family. That was extremely traumatic for me to see her suffering on a daily basis. I have chosen to be in relationships with men where it would not be a loss if something happened to them (we broke up, they passed away, etc) . To put it bluntly, Im trying to avoid another loss, by dating men who are - let me say this gently (I dont know whos reading this) - beneath me, Thats right , Im being brutally honest in my blogs. If I were to date a great guy and he passess away or something happens to him, that would be devastating right? So, Ill just avoid that by remaining single or dating some clown. Im extremely independant, and I have gotten used to not relying on anyone, because what if something happens to them ? What if they die or go away? So I must learn to do every single thing myself, right? I had to grow up very fast and in that car accident I lost my mother also. Avoidance is not the answer though. Facing these issues is key. Loss is a normal part of life, and Im working on that in therapy. I used drugs to numb the pain of my losses in life. I had such a devastating loss so early on, and I spent the rest of my life running from it. I never learned how to deal with loss, so I am now. Its never too late to work on yourself and change your life. Im still transforming, changing and evolving and its the most freeing, peaceful, beautiful thing Ive ever been through. I LOVE FEELING. Thank you for taking the time to read this. Future posts to come.