Let me tell you a story ! I have been through some stuff- a lot of loss, but I gained a ton of knowledge and I learned from every bad move I have made. I'm making this blog not only to help others, but to help myself as well. The people that have known me for years, know how bad I truly was, but my new friends, I dont think they realize this about me yet. This story is why I am the way I am now.  I hope you gain something from this and take what you need from it. 

Let me start by saying that I know what its like to lose a child for a time. I have experienced loss, and have experienced gaining everything back, and more. Some of my story is sad, but then you get to see where I am now. I will never take life for granted ever again. I took my role as a parent for granted once, and that was the greatest mistake that I learned from. 

In 1988, my parents were in a bad car accident that killed my father and permanently disabled my mother. I was 8 years old. my mother was in a coma and had to relearn how to walk and talk. She raised me and my 2 brothers as a widow. She passed away in 2016. 

When I was 24 years old a boyfriend of mine comitted suicide. I mention this only to say my life slowly changed after this. That rocked me pretty bad. 

In 2011, Mary was born and I became a single first time mother shortly after her birth. I was diagnosed with post pardum depression, and was prescribed Xanax. My mother got diagnosed with cirhossis of the liver, so Mary and I moved back in with her. The dr gave her 6 months to live, but she lived another 5 years. During those 5 awful years, I became addicted to the Xanax, and every other medication, and pain killer that was on the market, if it made me numb and unaware of life around me, I was taking it. I was watching my mother slowly die and at the same time I was slowly killing myself with more and more medication.  I was terrified of me and Mary's future. Taking care of Mary and seeing my mom like that was too much for me to handle at that time in my life.  My mom was my best friend, I named my daughter after her. I was having run ins with the police,  I totaled 9 cars in 18 months, and when Mary was 4 , I lost custody of her, and she ended up in foster care. I dont remeber half of my little girls life. Mom passed November 23rd, 2016.  I was in jail for 31 days in 2017, I bought this home that we live in now, from my jail cell. I only saw photos of it, and put a binder on it from there.  I entered rehab July 14th, 2017. When I was in rehab, I woke from my fog. 2 days into rehab I started fighting to get Mary back home. I never thought about a drug again. Mary would visit me there, draw me pictures saying "mommy please get better, I love you" . I looked at those drawings every single day and made a vow to myself that Im going to be the mother that she has always deserved, and I never looked back. She was about to get adopted, and that scared the hell out of me. I couldnt picture my life with out her, and being her mother. That woke me up.  It was a long transition to get her home. A year of supervised visits, DCF meetings every week, I had no license yet, taking ubers to see her until she was finally allowed to come to my house, supervised at first, then sleepovers, until I finally gained my custody back March 30th, 2018, she moved home. I did all of this while pregnant with Maxx, trying to get his abusive father out of my home. I finally achieved that too, when i was 6 months along,  thank god. 
I gave birth to Maxx with out his father present. His father is still not present. I do not belong to AA, and I have been sober and medication free since July 14th, 2017. I raise Maxx and Mary with no assistance from either father. Marys father hasn't seen her in almost 8 years I believe. 
I got a second chance in life. I got my daughter back after 3 years. DCF, my lawyers, the judges, Child Guidance, all believed in me, and fought for me. Mary came home 6 months early because of how hard I worked to change my life in every way possible, for that little tiny but mighty girl. The love I have for her saved my life. I should be dead somewhere, but God had other plans. I was meant to be her mother. I am the one that should be raising her. 

Not only did I get a second chance with Mary, but I got another chance to have a child, my amazing son, and I have not missed a beat with him. I get to be sober and present for every milestone. I get so freaking excited for every move he makes, I love how mature Mary has gotten since his arrival! You see I take so many photos, now you know why. You have to remeber I have no one to share all these great things that are happening to me, and my beautiful kids, so I share my life on social media! I have a wonderful support system. I thought I was changed when Mary came home, but Maxx really changed everything. I have a special connection to him, I feel like my parents sent him to me. He looks like my father, and Mary and I love him to bits. He makes me a better mother to Mary.

I live every day like its my last, and I do motherhood MY way: you never know when things will change. I have learned life could change in an instant. My past made me who I am now. Im a stonger, better person because of it. My story could have ended very bad, but I didnt want my story to end like that, so I changed it, just like that. 

Thank you for reading this!  I hope you come back to read more! My future posts will be more detailed in what I changed, how I did this, (and how I still am) and why it took me so long. I have some insight for the people who may be still struggling. I started off by changing who I was spending time with, and my whole environment.  I want everyone to know, you can change your story, any time you want. Im still writing mine, and Im excited to see whats next.  

#karenmarymaxx