This post is kind of all over the place. Just some thoughts.

I believe in “replacement therapy” for addicts. I’m not talking about replacing your drug of choice with another drug or medication . I’m talking about getting a new, healthy addiction. Something you enjoy better than a drug. I don’t belong to any fellowship but if that is your path that you take to stop using drugs or alcohol, then go for it. These thoughts may seem impossible to someone in active addiction, the thought of getting over an addiction seems like too big of a mountain to climb. When you are in active addiction, nothing else matters but getting high. Everything else comes second . You’re constantly thinking about where to get it, when to get it- it is a full time job. I got so sick of that job and so exhausted that it did not interest me anymore . Drugs stopped providing a benefit in my life. Human beings keep doing things that benefit them in some way. I went to rehab , and once the fog cleared, and all my feelings came back, I stopped being a zombie and became a real person who has feelings and emotions and thoughts and opinions. Getting Mary home was my new addiction , my focus , I have not thought about a drug since July of 2017, because being Mary's mom and raising her was more beneficial to me than any drug I could consume on this planet . My kids are my natural high now. When I was using I never thought I would enjoy life ever again . I did not enjoy using drugs , I stayed in my house all day , wondering how I would ever stop, I was so scared when I got sober I would be so brain dead that I wouldn’t be able to function in society. I thought I must have some sort of brain damage . But thank the lord I do not , and once I got sober I became a better version of myself . I would never squander these chances I’ve gotten in life . It’s a miracle I’m alive in the first place , let alone getting Mary back and getting the chance to have ANOTHER child. There is not one thing on this planet that is better than this life I have now . I was meant to be Mary and Maxx’s mother . This is why God created me, is to do exactly what I’m doing . The point I’m trying to make is : find something in your life that’s worth fighting for. Use the energy you had to find your drugs, on doing something good in the world. Today is World Kindness Day. Be kind you yourself and that will spread to others . Being kind to yourself also means telling people no , not explaining yourself , and it’s ok to shut people out of your life that you get bad vibes from . That’s your intuition speaking to you. Thousands of people are dying every year due to the opioid epidemic. Everyone has the capacity to change , and stop using drugs and alcohol. You have to want it so bad you can taste it- I wanted Mary home with me so bad that the thought of drugs pissed me off , and that’s a great feeling to have towards drugs. I replaced the manufactured high I got off drugs with the natural high of hearing Mary’s laughter , seeing her happy face , and doing the normal mundane every day things that people do. For me , it’s not mundane , I absolutely love everything about being a mother , because I almost lost all of this to a drug, I wasted so much time and energy to ruin my life, now I put that same energy into being the best mom I can be to my kids. Im the only parent they have. Im never leaving their side.

Tomorrow I get to celebrate 28 months of being present in this beautiful world. Thank you for reading .