I don't think I can decribe in words what its like to witness Maxx turn one, and see him do all these firsts sober and present but I will try. I don't recall being as excited or aware during Mary's first year on earth. I dont even really remember it, I just found out my mom was dying, and I was a terrified first time single mother. I was extremely distracted to say the least. I was on a ton of psychiatric medications as well, and became addicted to different medications too. I was a zombie on my best day. When I woke up I wanted to go back to sleep immediatly , I didnt want to face the day and always was on edge waiting for bad news about my mother, waiting for her to call me telling me I needed to rush over there for a medical emergency (We didnt move in with her until Mary was 2). I dont recall when Mary started sitting up, rolling over, or talking. I was happy when she started walking at 15 months, but my feelings were deadened by a ton of drugs and medications. I took photos here and there, but I just was completely numb and dead inside, and I thought I would never return to normal. But i didnt realize then that I didnt want to return to normal, or anywhere, I needed to completely start over new and become even better than I was before drugs. My feelings for Mary didnt come until I became sober in July 2017. My feelings for anything didnt return until then either. This is why I still get excited and emotional being able to just pick Mary up from school, while most people see it as normal and mundane. I almost permanently didnt get to do that for Mary anymore. I feel like I just started living life 2 years ago, and Maxx just added to this joy for life that I feel now. I take so many pictures because I want to remember all of these moments. I missed so many birthdays and milestones of Marys. I want to show my kids the photos when they are older too. I have not missed a beat with Maxx, and I will never make the mistakes I made with Mary, with him. I learned from all of them. He has made me a better mother to Mary, and my past made me a better mother to both of them. Most people do not get the chance I got, seeing life from both sides, losing then gaining once again. Getting the chance to get Mary back home and raise her right, then a second chance doing it right with Maxx since day one. I have a greater appreciation for motherhood, and life in general. I am proud of myself, my children, and the life I have created for them. If you told me 5 years ago that I would be enjoying motherhood and doing well at it, I would not have believed you , and I dont think anyone else would either. Everyone has the capacity to change. However, change is a choice that you make yourself, and when you do it for yourself thats how it sticks. You may be "forced" by a court, or family member to get help and treatment initially, but to continue on the right path you must want it within yourself. Learning to manage myself and my life sober, outside of a rehab (or a fellowship meeting if you choose that route) was key to me. It's easy to stay sober inside a rehab facility, right? The hard part is returning back into daily life with daily stressors. Self-managment is the most important skill I have learned, and I will pass on that knowledge to my precious kids. Because thats what my life is all about now; raising decent human beings that are well armed for the world Im going to one day leave them in when I am gone (but not for a very long time 😁).
Happy 1st Birthday Maxxy! I would not have missed it for the world.